Directions from yesterday.
Answering the questions.
Has my sense of time shifted
Well, that it feels endless yet incredibly full, there have not been many times I have just sat and looked out the window, though walking around town just watching the view I just let my steps take me on all these newly familiar routes and am surprised if they take five minutes or twenty-five, there is never a moment without a long view or a big sky.
I wake at roughly the same time and sleep around midnight, no alarms. The first few days felt more strongly structured as I gave myself the rituals and directions to do, which were enough in themselves. I gradually loosened the order of them and took more time, shifted around a bit, spread out, there were many days where I did something in concentration for up to four or five hours, by that I mean really no breaks, why don’t I feel the same license at home? Anyway it has gone into an overall shape – intense first few days, weather too, full of adventures and new places, notetaking, exploring, as my awareness and openness became more and more and everything began to be seen as if it were a line of poetry – an ‘awe’some way to be, immense gratitude, but also an ‘evening out’ of mood made the mood compass hard as in general I felt so even and calm, partly the swimming, partly the immense amount of silence, partly the weather and landscape, partly no people, so I had to dig to find the mood changes and feelings.
The ferry was a turning point, the first long ‘encased’ ride over, then on deck freezing on the way back, and then it shifted, Ragnheildur arrived back, idea for a performance formed, suppers, wine, life stories and secrets. The intent became more focused to the event and the ‘world’ I was in came in to achieve that, came in does not sound good but it is what happens to me when the tangible has to happen.
I have connected with three women, R, the potter and Frida, one her stories and tragedies, two her generosity and artistry and thirdly because I was so open to her and we have bonded against unusual odds. But relationships take more time and energy and they were in the latter half of my time so that changes the structures too, though to say I had a rigid structure is untrue there were just things I wanted to do everyday. I started off military and achieving and continued achieving but softened and did not feel bad when I missed going to the light house ( I might have been blown off!). I do mind the missing the one swimming because I made the effort to go there after the performance and it was closed.
I have not made a structure for each day more of a list of ‘things to do’ if I did not do them they got shifted on. I started with swimming first then this began to swing around to later, but I was the first in the pool today and who knows maybe tomorrow.
I am not sure mood affects my structure very much. I think or seem to remember while here that I do actually have incredible inbuilt discipline. I was a dancer, one goes through so much ‘over riding’ of mood and body to do that so though I think I am lax and moody now, its only in comparison to that.
I find it hard to run my whole structure when its mine. I know this is my first year without children so I need to give myself time to adjust, R said it took her ten years, but its almost a relief to go and do the job in Toronto for five weeks when I can only do that, it has set hours but it feels so easy to have a job and a timetable. Somehow this year with no more paid jobs is hard and I am not sure I am achieving so much, it gets dissipated. My week at Fabrica and these 11 days are highlights of intensity, focus, discipline and I am at my happiest/calmest. Yet I also know I need the pull back times, the slow relaxed times, and social time. I am mostly social with one person at a time, that for me is best, and I use lots of my time for that.
So mood does not affect my structure much, though the day with all the drinking water was my least fulfilling day, so how one’s body feels is something even if I over ride it often. So I think structure does affect my moods. I like it even if it is my own logic of structure.
My wild moments of falling off the edge of why, what, how, do cripple me momentarily, but one thing with age at least I know they will pass, or at least I know they are to do with ego, envy, little-mindedness, and that the pain, which is genuine, can be ameliorated by a sense of wholeness, interconnection and seeing one’s place in the world.
Ah the ferry is coming in I might go greet it.